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Watched Final Destination 2 tonight. As grade-B horror movies go, you could do far worse than the Final Destination series. For instance, there is the classic C.H.U.D. That's an acronym for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. The title pretty much explains the plot, and the whole franchise. Flesh-eating zombies underground, and yeah....you get the picture. A slight step above this would
be the Mary Lou Prom Night series of movies. I rank this slightly higher because the Mary Lou movies have more breasts, and all of those annoying people you hated in high school die horrible twisted and very creative deaths. Beneath this level of cinematic wonder, you have the bottom-feeders. I refer to the Godzilla franchise, the big bug movies of the 50s, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and *shudder" Ticks A movie about giant, bloodsucking ticks.
Anyway, everyone knows that if you should ever have the misfortune to have your life turn into a Roger Corman film, there are certain things you can do to improve your life expectancy (or at least ensure that your death is relatively quick and painless).
Obviously you should not go out into the woods with your stoner friends to party. If you are stupid enough to do this though, DO NOT toke up! This of course is an automatic death sentence and you will be likely to make it five minutes into the film. Also you should not have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You should DEFINITELY not have sex after getting high. If you want a slow drawn out death, this is a perfect way to go about it.
If you are female, do not get clingy with your bf when you both stumble upon the closet filled with skinned corpses in the cellar of the cabin you broke into because the scary monster thingy with the chainsaw or the machete was chasing you. And this is doubly true for guys. Although it might seem like a good idea at the time, using your gf as a shield or a sacrificial offering to the legions of undead that want to tear your flesh asunder will just ensure you die before she does. No one likes a coward. Especially not the evil legions of undead pursuing you. If you are going to go down, try to have a little dignity.
Having piercings/tattoos is also grounds for termination.
Being goth (in most movies - though not always). Your death is almost certain to be a quick and painless affair becasue you will go to it with resignation as you have no hope of getting out alive anyway.
Actually, showing any outward signs of leading an alternative lifestlye or being on the margins of society will generally get you offed in no time. Pink Mohawks? Sorry. Your severance check is in the mail. Office security will escort you out of the building.
If you want to survive, your best shot is to be a virgin female, dress in white, and be completey substance free. Having a bf is borderline-okay, so long as you give him chaste little kisses every now and then (on the cheek preferably, definitely no tongue) and avoid puking your guts out when he gets thrown into the wood chipper. A few muffled tears and a choked sob. Then it's time to suck it up and be the strong women with a good head on her shoulders that can give the creepy blood sucking ticks a run for their money.
If you are a guy - find the virgin book warm girl and stick to her like white on rice. Your odds of survival are not nearly as good as hers, but the probability is high your final death scene will be in her arms, so you won't be too horribly mutilated when the time comes.
And oh yeah. Just being stupid is enough to get you killed. But this is true in real life as well, so no big suprise there.
So everyone knows grade-B horror movies are morality tales stricter than any sermon given by a bible-thumping Calvinist. In Final Destination 2 however, the rules are changed slightly. Being a spoiled, narcissistic, self-involved middle class Yuppie larvae is now grounds for termination. YAY!!!!!!! The whole movie is nothing but watching people like this get crushed by plate glass, decapitated in elevators (and oldy but a goody), sliced apart by barbed wire... And the more of a selfish, insufferable little toad you are, the more hideous your final death scene is likely to be. In fact, the only two people who make it out of the flick alive are...well....you should watch it. But they are the two people who go around trying to help everyone else avoid the grim reaper.
be the Mary Lou Prom Night series of movies. I rank this slightly higher because the Mary Lou movies have more breasts, and all of those annoying people you hated in high school die horrible twisted and very creative deaths. Beneath this level of cinematic wonder, you have the bottom-feeders. I refer to the Godzilla franchise, the big bug movies of the 50s, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and *shudder" Ticks A movie about giant, bloodsucking ticks.
Anyway, everyone knows that if you should ever have the misfortune to have your life turn into a Roger Corman film, there are certain things you can do to improve your life expectancy (or at least ensure that your death is relatively quick and painless).
Obviously you should not go out into the woods with your stoner friends to party. If you are stupid enough to do this though, DO NOT toke up! This of course is an automatic death sentence and you will be likely to make it five minutes into the film. Also you should not have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You should DEFINITELY not have sex after getting high. If you want a slow drawn out death, this is a perfect way to go about it.
If you are female, do not get clingy with your bf when you both stumble upon the closet filled with skinned corpses in the cellar of the cabin you broke into because the scary monster thingy with the chainsaw or the machete was chasing you. And this is doubly true for guys. Although it might seem like a good idea at the time, using your gf as a shield or a sacrificial offering to the legions of undead that want to tear your flesh asunder will just ensure you die before she does. No one likes a coward. Especially not the evil legions of undead pursuing you. If you are going to go down, try to have a little dignity.
Having piercings/tattoos is also grounds for termination.
Being goth (in most movies - though not always). Your death is almost certain to be a quick and painless affair becasue you will go to it with resignation as you have no hope of getting out alive anyway.
Actually, showing any outward signs of leading an alternative lifestlye or being on the margins of society will generally get you offed in no time. Pink Mohawks? Sorry. Your severance check is in the mail. Office security will escort you out of the building.
If you want to survive, your best shot is to be a virgin female, dress in white, and be completey substance free. Having a bf is borderline-okay, so long as you give him chaste little kisses every now and then (on the cheek preferably, definitely no tongue) and avoid puking your guts out when he gets thrown into the wood chipper. A few muffled tears and a choked sob. Then it's time to suck it up and be the strong women with a good head on her shoulders that can give the creepy blood sucking ticks a run for their money.
If you are a guy - find the virgin book warm girl and stick to her like white on rice. Your odds of survival are not nearly as good as hers, but the probability is high your final death scene will be in her arms, so you won't be too horribly mutilated when the time comes.
And oh yeah. Just being stupid is enough to get you killed. But this is true in real life as well, so no big suprise there.
So everyone knows grade-B horror movies are morality tales stricter than any sermon given by a bible-thumping Calvinist. In Final Destination 2 however, the rules are changed slightly. Being a spoiled, narcissistic, self-involved middle class Yuppie larvae is now grounds for termination. YAY!!!!!!! The whole movie is nothing but watching people like this get crushed by plate glass, decapitated in elevators (and oldy but a goody), sliced apart by barbed wire... And the more of a selfish, insufferable little toad you are, the more hideous your final death scene is likely to be. In fact, the only two people who make it out of the flick alive are...well....you should watch it. But they are the two people who go around trying to help everyone else avoid the grim reaper.
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Re: I love the Final Destination series...
Date: 2005-04-22 07:49 pm (UTC)From:I have very low standards as far as grade-B horror movies go because I've watched just about everything. I am immune to bad acting, shoddy budgets, and no plot. Compared to 95% of
horror movies around, Final Destination series looks like an Academy Award winner.
Re: I love the Final Destination series...
Date: 2005-04-22 07:53 pm (UTC)From:I'm actually really picky when it comes to movies, even the grade-B horror ones...
But I really liked this series.
I don't know if you saw Cabin Fever... But if you actually sat through that without crying, you are immune to awful acting and no plot...